junk.rat » familial horde http://www.junkrat.net/blog ...because life is all about the junk... Wed, 17 Jun 2009 08:41:56 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 en stash http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/06/stash/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/06/stash/#comments Wed, 17 Jun 2009 08:41:08 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/?p=789 original article posted on 10/21/2002 at 04:55:53 AM on the ‘raising hell ‘zine’ website where i was a writer/contributor :)

updated 06/17/2009 00:55:17 AM

========================================

when i was a teenager, my mom found a bag of marijuana in one of my sister’s rooms. being as i was the only one home at the time, she stomped up to me and shook the baggie in my face.
“do you know what this is?” she yelled. “Do.You.Know.What.This.IS??”
“of COURSE” i said flippantly, barely looking up from my book (glad that it wasn’t MINE), “and YOU know what it is, too.”

thar she blows! she starts in on The Mother Of All Rants. “i’m going to wring her neck! she’ll be grounded for LIFE…!” and then the rant. just. stops.
prematurely.
ama-a-a-a-zing.

mom has changed her mind, mid rant, about confronting my sister. she decides to flush the stash down the toilet and replace it…, with some nice, dried, leafy oregano! i was stunned. and then i was laughing my ass off! i was SWORN. TO. SECRECY. (like i was gonna tell…, not on your life! i wanted to watch her SMOKE it!)

so, mom flushed.
she refilled.
she replaced the baggie where she’d found it.
and we BOTH, amazingly enough, promptly forgot about it.

and the years pass…

one night, we were sitting around the dinner table as young adults, and the subject of drugs came up. i think my sister said something about mom never finding her stash and bam! all of those oregano memories came rushing back…

i look at my mom. and she looks at me. and we both start cracking up…! i start to tell the story because mom is laughing so hard that she can’t speak. my sister is looking perplexed because she only remembers missing a bag of pot that one time. but my brother’s eyes are getting bigger and bigger as a revelation is dawning on him.
“oh my gawd, you’re shittin’ me!”, he says, “i stole that baggie and smoked it with my friends! we got sick as DOGS!”

now we’re ALL screaming with laughter! my dad stuck his head in from the garage to see why we were carrying on, but no one was coherent enough to tell him. which made us laugh even MORE. and my dad just shook his head and retreated.

our best family drug story EVER. it still cracks us up :)

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/06/stash/feed/ the virgin granny conversation http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/03/the-virgin-granny-conversation-2/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/03/the-virgin-granny-conversation-2/#comments Tue, 10 Mar 2009 07:14:45 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/?p=786 recycled… because i’ve been thinkin’ about my granny…

drinking coffee and visiting with granny as she sorts through her stuff, deciding what to keep and what to throw away.

granny: would you look at that! baby wrapping paper. i guess i won’t be needing any more of that…
me: i don’t think so, grandma. i think we’re all done having babies.
granny: i suppose so. you know, i always wanted to have 4 babies but i only had your dad and dianne.
granny: so what about your sister, jocelyn? she only has one…
me: yeah, she’s probably done, too.
granny: maybe connor would like it anyway. he used to like cutting out the little pictures on wrapping papers…
me: mmmm. i don’t think so, grandma. he’s in 3rd grade or something. he definitely doesn’t do that anymore. and i don’t want to be a grandmother yet, so don’t even THINK about saving it for zakk!
granny, laughing: why he’s not even married yet! have you had that little talk with him?
me: mmmm…, well it’s a little late for THAT, grandma…
granny, tittering: oh DEAR!
me: so, i just be sure to have condoms available…
granny: i guess young people don’t wait anymore…
me: hmmm. i’m sure that SOME do.
granny: well, i’d just like you to know that your grandmother was a virigin when she got married!
me: Really??!
granny: of COURSE! i wasn’t going to give it up for free! and i was SO excited! i couldn’t wait for my wedding night!
me, laughing: REEally!
granny: and you know what?
me: what??!
granny: it was awful. just AWFUL.
me: oh NO! that’s terrible!
granny: and after that…? it just. got. worse.
me, spitting coffee: oh. my. GAWD, grandma!
granny, shaking her head: DEFINITELY wasn’t all it was cracked up to be…
me: you know, grandma…
granny: yes?
me: that just might be why you only had TWO kids…!
granny, tittering behind her hand: oh dear, you just might be right!

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2009/03/the-virgin-granny-conversation-2/feed/ i love the throb of a b-52 in the morning http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/05/i-love-the-throb-of-a-b-52-in-the-morning/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/05/i-love-the-throb-of-a-b-52-in-the-morning/#comments Sat, 20 May 2006 22:01:13 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/05/i-love-the-throb-of-a-b-52-in-the-morning/
in celebration of the sounds of the local air show, which inevitably invokes
pleasant memories of my father, who loved them . . .

Pop and the P-51
my dad, circa 1980, after his birthday flight on a P-51 :)

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/05/i-love-the-throb-of-a-b-52-in-the-morning/feed/ saturday afternoon http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/saturday-afternoon/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/saturday-afternoon/#comments Mon, 24 Apr 2006 16:41:16 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/saturday-afternoon/

zakk and the basketball [?!?]


frank the opponent


jocelyn the audience


the game


the postgame hug

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/saturday-afternoon/feed/ teenager scariness http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/teenager-scariness/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/teenager-scariness/#comments Tue, 18 Apr 2006 18:11:59 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/mouseover-scariness/

the youngest of our clan turned TEENAGER last week. oh dear.
he wore a stunning black velvety bathrobe to his party and sang the Gigantor song.
much hilarity ensued [of the TEENAGE variety].

in other news, this is the best comeback i’ve ever heard of
[and it works on pretty much ANYthing anyone could say to you]…

“so’s your face”

feefed from the show SCRUBS
]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/04/teenager-scariness/feed/ grandma memory #41 http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/grandma-memory-41/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/grandma-memory-41/#comments Thu, 02 Mar 2006 15:00:46 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/grandma-memory-41/ my granny used to keep a bottle of feminine hygiene spray in her sewing room. she would chase her stinky little dogs all over the house and squirt them with it. because they were stinky. when i was little i thought FDS meant ‘For Dog Smells’.
hrm. i have a stinky little dog…
heh.

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/grandma-memory-41/feed/ dogpile on the old guy! http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/dogpile-on-the-old-guy/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/dogpile-on-the-old-guy/#comments Wed, 01 Mar 2006 05:16:25 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/dogpile-on-the-old-guy/


happy birthday dear dad,
happy birthday ol’ poppa,
happy birthday, i miss you…
i gave your present to za-a-a-a-a-akk!

happy birthday, poppa, grandma’s home!
she missed you so much…

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/03/dogpile-on-the-old-guy/feed/ saying goodbye to grandma http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/saying-goodbye-to-grandma/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/saying-goodbye-to-grandma/#comments Tue, 28 Feb 2006 14:47:30 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/saying-goodbye-to-grandma/

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/saying-goodbye-to-grandma/feed/ kissin’ [cough, cough] cousins http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/kissin-cough-cough-cousins/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/kissin-cough-cough-cousins/#comments Tue, 28 Feb 2006 04:34:01 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/kissin-cough-cough-cousins/

.: the bug and maniak zakk :.

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/kissin-cough-cough-cousins/feed/ bangs! bangs! you’re head! http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/bangs-bangs-youre-head/ http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/bangs-bangs-youre-head/#comments Tue, 07 Feb 2006 14:33:05 +0000 ratty http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/bangs-bangs-youre-head/

now, don’t you wish YOUR mom used scotch tape to cut YOUR bangs??

]]> http://www.junkrat.net/blog/index.php/2006/02/bangs-bangs-youre-head/feed/