updated 06/17/2009 00:55:17 AM

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when i was a teenager, my mom found a bag of marijuana in one of my sister’s rooms. being as i was the only one home at the time, she stomped up to me and shook the baggie in my face.
“do you know what this is?” she yelled. “Do.You.Know.What.This.IS??”
“of COURSE” i said flippantly, barely looking up from my book (glad that it wasn’t MINE), “and YOU know what it is, too.”

thar she blows! she starts in on The Mother Of All Rants. “i’m going to wring her neck! she’ll be grounded for LIFE…!” and then the rant. just. stops.
prematurely.
ama-a-a-a-zing.

mom has changed her mind, mid rant, about confronting my sister. she decides to flush the stash down the toilet and replace it…, with some nice, dried, leafy oregano! i was stunned. and then i was laughing my ass off! i was SWORN. TO. SECRECY. (like i was gonna tell…, not on your life! i wanted to watch her SMOKE it!)

so, mom flushed.
she refilled.
she replaced the baggie where she’d found it.
and we BOTH, amazingly enough, promptly forgot about it.

and the years pass…

one night, we were sitting around the dinner table as young adults, and the subject of drugs came up. i think my sister said something about mom never finding her stash and bam! all of those oregano memories came rushing back…

i look at my mom. and she looks at me. and we both start cracking up…! i start to tell the story because mom is laughing so hard that she can’t speak. my sister is looking perplexed because she only remembers missing a bag of pot that one time. but my brother’s eyes are getting bigger and bigger as a revelation is dawning on him.
“oh my gawd, you’re shittin’ me!”, he says, “i stole that baggie and smoked it with my friends! we got sick as DOGS!”

now we’re ALL screaming with laughter! my dad stuck his head in from the garage to see why we were carrying on, but no one was coherent enough to tell him. which made us laugh even MORE. and my dad just shook his head and retreated.

our best family drug story EVER. it still cracks us up

drinking coffee and visiting with granny as she sorts through her stuff, deciding what to keep and what to throw away.

granny: would you look at that! baby wrapping paper. i guess i won’t be needing any more of that…
me: i don’t think so, grandma. i think we’re all done having babies.
granny: i suppose so. you know, i always wanted to have 4 babies but i only had your dad and dianne.
granny: so what about your sister, jocelyn? she only has one…
me: yeah, she’s probably done, too.
granny: maybe connor would like it anyway. he used to like cutting out the little pictures on wrapping papers…
me: mmmm. i don’t think so, grandma. he’s in 3rd grade or something. he definitely doesn’t do that anymore. and i don’t want to be a grandmother yet, so don’t even THINK about saving it for zakk!
granny, laughing: why he’s not even married yet! have you had that little talk with him?
me: mmmm…, well it’s a little late for THAT, grandma…
granny, tittering: oh DEAR!
me: so, i just be sure to have condoms available…
granny: i guess young people don’t wait anymore…
me: hmmm. i’m sure that SOME do.
granny: well, i’d just like you to know that your grandmother was a virigin when she got married!
me: Really??!
granny: of COURSE! i wasn’t going to give it up for free! and i was SO excited! i couldn’t wait for my wedding night!
me, laughing: REEally!
granny: and you know what?
me: what??!
granny: it was awful. just AWFUL.
me: oh NO! that’s terrible!
granny: and after that…? it just. got. worse.
me, spitting coffee: oh. my. GAWD, grandma!
granny, shaking her head: DEFINITELY wasn’t all it was cracked up to be…
me: you know, grandma…
granny: yes?
me: that just might be why you only had TWO kids…!
granny, tittering behind her hand: oh dear, you just might be right!

THE FIRST KISS CONVERSATION

mom is in the kitchen, pretending to fix dinner.
teen-girl is sitting at the dining room table, pretending to do her homework…

teen-girl: sooo. what was your first kiss like?
mom: hrmm. how DO you do that?
teen-girl: do what?
mom: change the subject from something like, oh, MATH, to something obscure like KISSING?
teen-girl: i dunno. [grinning] it’s a gift.
mom: why do you wanna know? did someone try to kiss you?
teen-girl: well, nooo… but maybe you should PREPARE me.
mom, thinking back: well, maybe i should.
teen-girl: sooo…? tell me!
mom: hmm. do you know what french kissing is?
teen-girl: yeah. a lot of slobbering and noisy smooching with TONGUES.
mom: yeah, that’s pretty much it. well, i DIDN’T know what french kissing was…
teen-girl: you didn’t? REALLY?? wow…
mom: so. my first kiss was from this guy that i’d had a crush on for about 2 years. that part was kinda cool.
teen-girl: yeah…? and…?
mom: and the kiss was him using his tongue to polish my teeth while i kept them clamped down tight.
teen-girl, rolling on the floor, laughing: ewwww!! aaaaha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
mom, smiling: yeah. well. it’s funny NOW… but it certainly freaked me out THEN!
teen-girl: did he ever kiss you again? like, better or something?
mom: nope. i guess that that was my one and only chance with him. but think about it. he probably thought i was nuts, or that i didn’t really want to kiss him!
teen-girl: yeah, i guess he might of thought that. if he was a JERK.
mom, laughing: he was a jerk. it just took me awhile to figure that out.
mom: but that kiss is the reason i always told your brother that, on a first kiss, you never shove your tongue down a girl’s throat. EVER. and when you start dating someone, i’m going to tell HIM that, too.
teen-girl, with her eyes bugging out: oh GAWD, mom!! no WAY!
mom: way. finish your homework.

speaking of bolstering the chattering doors…, zakks bedroom door was one of the them. i had to peek downstairs, to make sure he was sleeping on the couch, before i would venture into his room to check for open windows. because the *FYOHSW was here last night and i didn’t know if she was still here. of course, i HAVE warned him about FYOHSW’s. and you’d think he’d be a bit more self-vigilant about it, seeing as how it’s where HE came from. poor fatherless boy [yes, i'm afraid i still carry a little guilt about for that. just a bit]. and yes, i AM grateful not to be a grandmother yet. i just want to REMAIN grateful a bit longer, you see… i must admit, though, that i do think i will enjoy grandmotherhood someday.
hrmm. i suppose that i should not have said THAT aloud…

now back to the retrospective thing. saturday was an interesting day. jos and i got out of the house, for a change, to see Brendan’s Movie. of course, it shall ever be branded Brendan’s Movie because we saw his name in the credits it was an Incredibly Deliciously Cleverly Amazingly FUN movie and i will see it again [and so should YOU!]. then, eventually, i will buy it on DVD and love it forever. ’til death do we part.

but before we went to the movies, jocelyn and i had a lovely talk about sex & STD’s…

…then she had the nerve to ask me who was the best kisser and we started creeping into the realm of ‘parents having sex’ and, well, that was the end of THAT conversation. so off we went to the late show. we snuck some western bacon cheeseburgers and fries into the movies and had a thoroughly great time.

*FYOHSW: friends you occasionally have sex with

.: a photo apropos of nothing :.

teen-girl: sooo. what was your first kiss like?
mom: hrmm. how DO you do that?
teen-girl: do what?
mom: change the subject from something like, oh, MATH to KISSING?
teen-girl: i dunno. [grinning] it’s a gift.
mom: why do you wanna know? did someone try to kiss you?
teen-girl: well, nooo… but maybe you should PREPARE me.
mom, thinking back: well, maybe i should.
teen-girl: sooo…? tell me!
mom: hmm. do you know what french kissing is?
teen-girl: yeah. a lot of slobbering and noisy smooching with TONGUES.
mom: yeah, that’s pretty much it. well, i DIDN’T know what french kissing was…
teen-girl: you didn’t? REALLY?? wow…
mom: so. my first kiss was from this guy that i’d had a crush on for about 2 years. that part was kinda cool.
teen-girl: yeah…? and…?
mom: and the kiss was him using his tongue to polish my teeth while i kept them clamped down tight.
teen-girl, rolling on the floor, laughing: ewwww!! aaaaha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
mom, smiling: yeah. well. it’s funny NOW… but it certainly freaked me out THEN!
teen-girl: did he ever kiss you again? like, better or something?
mom: nope. i guess that that was my one and only chance with him. but think about it. he probably thought i was nuts, or that i didn’t really want to kiss him!
teen-girl: yeah, i guess he might of thought that. if he was a JERK.
mom, laughing: he was a jerk. it just took me awhile to figure that out.
mom: but that kiss is the reason i always told your brother that, on a first kiss, you never shove your tongue down a girl’s throat. EVER. and when you start dating someone, i’m going to tell HIM that, too.
teen-girl, with her eyes bugging out: oh GAWD, mom!! no WAY!
mom: way. finish your homework.

*another conversation from a few years ago at raising hell . . .

mom is sitting at her computer, in the dining room, drinking coffee and paying bills. daughter comes downstairs and plops onto the floor at her feet.

daughter: i want to have one of those mother-daughter talks.

mom, looking down, one eyebrow raised: oh, you DO, do you? what do you want to talk about?

daughter, rolling her eyes: what do teenage girls USUALLY want to talk about??

mom: hmmm… boobs? 80’s fashion tips? make-up? SCHOOL?

daughter, giggling: nooooo…

mom: aaaah, you’re GIGGLING. must be BOYS.

daughter, nodding: uh-huh.

mom: sooo…, what’s up?

daughter: well…, do you think, if you like somebody, and he does something like, you think he’s trying to get your attention but maybe he really isn’t and, well, you just want to THINK he is?

mom: umm, was that a question?

daughter: MOM!

mom: okay, okay, i know what you’re talking about. yes. that happens a lot, especially when you like someone and they don’t know you like them. he could just be looking across the room or at something behind you but you want him to be looking at you so you think that he is. does that make sense?

daughter, sighing: yeah.

mom: now, if he does goofy stuff to get your attention, that’s something else. freshman boys are notorious for NOT knowing how to talk to girls. it’s like 5th grade all over again. they’ll tease you and follow you and poke you…

daughter: well, when he walks by me in the hallway, he bumps my shoulder with his shoulder…, and sometimes he pulls my hair.

older brother, yelling from the other room: he’s definitely trying to get your attention!

mom, nodding towards the yelling brother: well, i guess he should know…

daughter: cool! i think. well, that’s all, i guess…

mom: i take it you like this boy?

daughter: yeah.

mom, taking a sip of coffee: maybe you should talk to him more, you know, so he’ll know you’re interested.

daughter: okay, i guess that’s a good idea…

mom: even goofball boys need some validation…

daughter: umm, what exactly is ‘validation’?

mom, rolling her eyes: he needs to know that he’s been acting like a doofus for a good reason, honey. he’d probaby like to know that he IS getting your attention.

daughter, grinning: oh. okay

mom: [right eyebrow goes up] what ARE you doing?

teen-girl: [rolling her eyes] making a shirt.

mom: [eyebrow stays up] mmmkay. now, what are you REALLY doing?

teen-girl: watch… [snip. snip. snipsnipsnip. snip]

teen-girl: [pulls it over her head] see?

mom: i’m amazed. you’re wearing something OVER that, aren’t you.

teen-girl: [more eye rolling] mmm. after i cut out some thumbholes.

mom: [walking away] natch.
————————————————————-
this conversation was found in an old e-mail i had sent to someone else
who made shirts out of tights

ratchick: so, what kind of christmas jammies can i get you this year? that you’ll WEAR…
teenchick: mom. i don’t wear pajamas.
ratchick, sighing: i know, i know… you sleep in your clothes or a big ol’ t-shirt.
teenchick: uh-huh.
ratchick: then what if i buy you a big ol’ t-shirt…?
teenchick: i saw some of the t-shirts you marked in that t-shirt catalog…
ratchick: peeker. so you’d wear one, if i got it?
teenchick: yeah.
ratchick: did you see the yellow one with the pierced happy face?
teenchick: no, but i saw the A.D.D. shirt, it was funny ratchick: the one that said “They say I have A.D.D. but they just don’t understand. Oh Look! A chicken!”?
teenchick, laughing: yeah, that one.
: : : who-o-o-o-o-sh, the Target doors open : : :
ratchick, smiling: that one IS good. would you really wear it? you know how you are…
teenchick, rolling her eyes: YES. i promise.
ratchick: i think i should get one for ALL of us… look! isn’t that one of those dolls you have?
teenchick: MOM!!
ratchick, puzzled: what?!
teenchick: you just DID it!
ratchick: did WHAT?!
teenchick, laughing hysterically: the CHICKEN-thing!!
ratchick: i did not!
teenchick: yes! you DID!
ratchick looks at the dolls, then back at the giggling girl, and smiles: oh. ummm, i guess i did.

me: hi babycakes! ur new coat and leggings r here, i will pick u up aftr work on fri nite. miss u.

jocelyn: ok mommy guess wut?

me: what?

jocelyn: i got my nose pierced like a bull.

me: WHAT?!?!?!!

jocelyn: yup. i did it.

me: you did NOT.

jocelyn: yes. i did.

me: NO. WAY.

jocelyn: yup way. i guess u will c on friday!

me: you are a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad girl *kiss*

jocelyn: [silence]

me: [heart attack]

geeeez. not that beautiful little perfect face.

i’ll pinch off her head. i SWEAR.

[sigh]

teenagers. feh.