the virgin granny conversation
recycled… because i’ve been thinkin’ about my granny…
drinking coffee and visiting with granny as she sorts through her stuff, deciding what to keep and what to throw away.
granny: would you look at that! baby wrapping paper. i guess i won’t be needing any more of that…
me: i don’t think so, grandma. i think we’re all done having babies.
granny: i suppose so. you know, i always wanted to have 4 babies but i only had your dad and dianne.
granny: so what about your sister, jocelyn? she only has one…
me: yeah, she’s probably done, too.
granny: maybe connor would like it anyway. he used to like cutting out the little pictures on wrapping papers…
me: mmmm. i don’t think so, grandma. he’s in 3rd grade or something. he definitely doesn’t do that anymore. and i don’t want to be a grandmother yet, so don’t even THINK about saving it for zakk!
granny, laughing: why he’s not even married yet! have you had that little talk with him?
me: mmmm…, well it’s a little late for THAT, grandma…
granny, tittering: oh DEAR!
me: so, i just be sure to have condoms available…
granny: i guess young people don’t wait anymore…
me: hmmm. i’m sure that SOME do.
granny: well, i’d just like you to know that your grandmother was a virigin when she got married!
me: Really??!
granny: of COURSE! i wasn’t going to give it up for free! and i was SO excited! i couldn’t wait for my wedding night!
me, laughing: REEally!
granny: and you know what?
me: what??!
granny: it was awful. just AWFUL.
me: oh NO! that’s terrible!
granny: and after that…? it just. got. worse.
me, spitting coffee: oh. my. GAWD, grandma!
granny, shaking her head: DEFINITELY wasn’t all it was cracked up to be…
me: you know, grandma…
granny: yes?
me: that just might be why you only had TWO kids…!
granny, tittering behind her hand: oh dear, you just might be right!
