the condom conversation

mom is at the dining room table, drinking coffee and making out a grocery list.
son is sitting across from her, eating a bowl of cereal.

mom: are you having sex with anybody?
son, spitting cereal: wha-a-a’?


mom: are you having sex with anyone?
son: ummm, NO. why do you ask?
mom: well, there haven’t been any condoms around here for awhile. i think your sister filled the last ones up with water. so, i was just wondering if you needed some…
son: oh … no. i’m not having sex. *pause* but, uuh, maybe we should get some more…
mom: you mean maybe i should get some more for you, i don’t need any…
son: well, yeah.
mom: OK.
son, from the kitchen: and maybe you could get a bigger size.
mom: OK.
son: what…? no jokes?
mom: i’ve known you and your dick ever since you were born, bud… you never had a little button of a winky…
son: yeah, sooo…
mom: sooo, what? you think i haven’t seen you naked lately?
son: you haven’t.
mom: try last year.
son: no WAY.
mom: yes, way. last summer. it was really hot. you apparently fell asleep naked and i opened your bedroom door the next morning and…
son: alright, Alright, ALRIGHT!
mom, sipping coffee: so you’re sure you’re not sleeping with that girl…?
son: which girl?
mom: the annoying, needy one. the one that calls all of the time. the one i’m always lying to and saying you’re in the shower or something.
son: HELL no! i can’t stand her!
mom: then why don’t you do the right thing and tell her to fuck off?
son: well, i told her that you don’t like her…
mom: hmmm…, so THATS why i don’t get the chit-chat anymore… well, you still need to tell her to fuck off. it’s rude to let her dangle, even if she IS annoying. and she’s dangerous. i don’t wanna be a grandmother.
son, rolling his eyes: geeez. you’re sick. i’m NOT sleeping with her!
mom: good …. don’t.
son: can i have $10?
mom, rolling her eyes: no. just because i talk to you about condoms doesn’t mean i’m going to give you money. go away.
son: you’re mean.
mom, sighing and filling up her coffee cup: actually, i’m not mean enough…

Comments

  1. Cis said June 28, 2002, 10:31 am:

    You are priceless, though I have now added seeing my teenage son enflagrante as yet another reason I will never have children. I know I’d never be one of those “my child is smarter than your child” people, because I lived through that enough myself. But I can just see myself being a “my son’s penus is bigger than yours” type of mother.

    The cool mom gene (which you so have) does not run in my family. ;)

  2. Lorraine said June 28, 2002, 2:16 pm:

    Teenagers are, I truly believe, spawns of the devil. They can also be overwhelmingly sweet and adorable (look quick, it doesn’t last), but mostly they are not very likeable.

    I always thought boys would be easier than girls to raise. Apparently not. No, I still think that. Teen-age girls are truly a royal pain in the ass. But when they finally grow up they are absolutely the most wonderful creatures on earth.

    Hang in there, babe.

  3. The Son said June 28, 2002, 7:45 pm:

    Mothers are, I truly believe, Sick and Twisted creatures. Maybe I should tell the story of my mom and her boyfriend “ironing” muahahahahahaha

  4. kd said June 28, 2002, 9:14 pm:

    package of condoms - $5. being harassed for cash - a little here, a little there. having the teenager make the snarky comments on the blog - priceless.

  5. Kelly said June 29, 2002, 7:53 am:

    Classic. You know, I really *like* teenagers - talking to them, hanging out with them. Your son sounds great and I love hearing about good rapport between moms and sons. :)

  6. paige said June 29, 2002, 8:57 am:

    That is too funny. I only WISH I’d had such a good relationship with my mom, growing up. Then again, I was of the female teenager variety, and that in and of itself is a recipe for disaster. But I agree with kd - having your teenage son post snarky comments on your blog is just priceless. :)

  7. ratface said June 29, 2002, 9:29 am:

    see that, zakk? now everyone KNOWS you’re a snarky little ratface…
    BTW, he had to ASK me what snarky was. i think he likes it… LOL!

  8. kat said June 29, 2002, 10:26 am:

    are you all trying to tell me that i’m actually going to have this converstaion??? *takes large gulp of beer* i have 2 sons and no, please say it ain’t so. oh god *faints*

  9. annessa said June 30, 2002, 9:24 pm:

    You should have had a warning: Do not have anything in your mouth when you read this.

    I haven’t laughed this hard in days! You’re so cool.

  10. dino said July 8, 2002, 6:03 pm:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA “ironing” is the best story ever